We Were Building Our Marriage On The Wrong Foundation: Negative One Meets Delusional One

If you missed my post about Home Improvement: Marriage and Couples Conference, not only did you miss out on some great material but you may not "get" where this post comes from. I definitely advise reading that blog post and sharing your thought in the comments.

I wanted to create a separate post to go more in-depth about how the Foundation and Renovation of Marriage discussed at the conference relates to my marriage. 

Dr. Johnny and Lezlyn Parker, the couple that led this discussion, compared The Wrong Foundation to a Sandcastle and The Renovation to a Brick House. They said sandcastles take some building and are pretty to look at when created, however will wash away once a tide hits it. Similar to marriage because some people build to "save face" in order to look perfect on the outside and are one tide away from washing away. Those marriages are built on the wrong foundation and as soon as things get rocky the marriage is destroyed.

foundation

This definitely applies to my marriage, because in my head I could just pack up and leave any day now. Yes, that sounds bad but it's the truth! I somehow always find something wrong with the way my husband does things and he somehow always sees everything as not a big deal. Just the other day he said that I'm a very negative person. In my opinion, he's very much delusional.

Everyone has this perfect picture of marriage and beliefs of what a husband and wife should do once married. It's only once you're actually married when you realize "SOMEBODY LIED".

thetjs

The below myths are things people say or believe about marriage that are definitely "The Wrong Foundation" to build a marriage:

The Wrong Foundation: myths and beliefs that people have about marriage.

  • Myth #1 "I'll change him/ her"

Truth: We are supposed to receive people where they are in life and pray for growth.

I have always been a believer that you can't change people, so it really shocked me that #1 applied to me in this relationship when they went in more depth about it. I realized that by me telling my husband what he continued to do wrong in hopes that he would "fix" it was actually trying to change him. When he didn't change it only frustrated me and caused me to be that negative person he was talking about.

  • Myth #2 Marriage is 50/50

Truth: Marriage is 100/100. We are supposed to always give 100% NOT half. For instance when you have the ability to do something that is needed to be done, but you say "it's not my job."

For the longest when my husband and I were dating, he treated me somewhat like a roommate and we split everything (bills, chores, dates, dinner suggestions, you name it!) Sometimes I have to still remind him this relationship isn't a quid pro quo relationship. It's always a "well I did this for you last time, so now it's your turn to do that."

  • Myth #3 You're supposed to meet all my needs and make me happy

Truth: Your spouse is not your God, look to God to fulfill you. God is the source, your spouse is your resource.

AS SOON AS I SAW THIS POP UP ON THE SCREEN...I was like "That's me!". Then I realized this was under "The Wrong Foundation" part. What? This can't be right...isn't this why everyone gets married!? It was like the answer to all my frustration. I realized that I idolize my husband in a way where my expectation exceeds his efforts. I expect more out of him than any human I know and that is a lot of pressure to put on anyone. He would never meet my every need, because he's not a mind reader.

  • Myth #4 It's all about me

Truth: We make sense to ourselves reasons why we can understand our point of view so well. When married we are supposed to go from the island of me to the island of we.

Yep, sounds like the "only child" that is my husband! He is the only person that makes sense according to him and he understands himself quicker than anyone else. So instead of listening and understanding you, he insists you hear him out so YOU can understand his point of view. If you then do not agree with him, he feels as if you don't understand. In his world to agree is to understand. He's gotten better at this by the way, however other "all about me" tendencies are still a work in progress.

  • Myth #5 I have not had an affair

Truth: You HAVE had an affair. An affair is an escape from reality, a search for fulfillment outside of marriage whether it be your job, social media, your phone, kids, a side hustle, etc. Using these things to find an identity when the foundation has to be the Lord. Your identity is the child that Jesus loves.

Apparently we BOTH are guilty of this one. He has an affair with technology and I have an affair with this blog. GO FIGURE! My whole point in creating this blog was to find an identity, find someone to relate to this transition from miss to mrs, and be fulfilled. Blows my mind! lol His affair with his phone, I honestly don't know. Maybe it's an escape from me and all my negativity?!

  • Myth #6 Because we're Christians we ought not have conflict or problems

Truth: We're only humans and we all have conflicts and problems.

We definitely don't have this issue. We KNOW everybody has conflict and problems. NO ONE IS PERFECT. No matter how happy those people look on social media, all those positive quotes, and good advice they giving to everyone else; we all have issues.

I guess it's ironic me being the "negative one" and I decide to go in depth about "The Wrong Foundation". I just wanted to share with you the myths I'm sure we've all heard, the truth behind the myths, and application to real life using my marriage as an example.

Which myth applies to you?

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