Have you noticed "the change" in your friendships after your engagement? Are the people who were once close to you now distancing themselves? Did your maid of honor up and disappear on you after saying I Do to your husband?
As terrible as this may sound, this is actually my reality.
I don't know what it is about engagements and weddings, but it really does bring out an unseen side in everybody involved and not involved. What is it about engagements and weddings that make people so sensitive? Are people wrong for being so sensitive?
I have been the bride on the receiving end of the friends who are all of a sudden too busy to support and I've been the friend who was too busy to support. Both resulted in the lost of friendships that I'm still unsure to this day if they were REAL friendships anyways.
I will share my story about both and I'd love to hear your feedback.
Friend #1: I made a new friend when I moved here to Dallas who I grew to be very close with over the course of a year or two. Shortly after getting engaged and asking her to be in my bridal party as my Lady of Honor she gladly accepted! After realizing that everyone in the wedding would be a Lady of Honor, she start "acting crazy". Now let me preface this with the fact that we all have a friend or know of somebody's friend who don't want you to be friends with anyone else. Just sayin. When I shared with her the fact that all of my friends are special to me and meant something to me at different stages of my life, she was turned off. I asked her to plan my bachelorette party (a year in advance), she told me that she would be working every weekend next year except my wedding weekend. How low down (I mean OBVIOUS) is that? I mean you're the planner so you can pick ANY dates that fit your schedule, this ain't a NEW job so you definitely have vacation time, AND this is a whole year away "how you know you gonna be busy?". This same friend expressed to me that she did not like my friends and didn't care to be around them one time after spending a weekend with them for my birthday. So I brought that up and asked is that why she was all of a sudden busy, she assured me that it was not but was still unable to explain. In addition to being too damn busy, this same friend put me in a situation that a real friend just wouldn't do. I tried talking to her about how messed up it was and how hurt I was about it, but of course she didn't see any wrong on her part. Needless to say, she was uninvited to the wedding and that friendship was over. Haven't spoken again since.
Friend #2: I had a 10 year friendship with a friend who we referred to each other as "sister". She was actually the FIRST person after my mom who I texted and called after being engaged. She was so happy for me! About a month or so later she snapchatted me a photo of a wedding planning book. I replied, "You can never start planning too early" because she had only been dating someone for 4 months. She responded, "Girl I'm engaged." Then I thought to myself, "Is this the engagement announcement?!". So I CALLED her because this is GREAT news and surely worth a phone call conversation vs a Snapchat conversation. I call and say CONGRATULATIONS, because regardless the time frame if she was happy I was happy and I wouldn't have to walk a day in her shoes and it wasn't my business to ask how and why she decided to get engaged to someone after a 4 month relationship. I ask her how he proposed, if she had a date, how excited I was, and how I was so happy for her and she deserves to have love in her life with someone who makes her happy (typical things you ask and say to your friend after they get engaged). I start talking Pinterest boards and how I would love to help her with anything she needed, especially since my wedding was planned in full a couple of weeks after my proposal.
Fast Forward to my Wedding Day...
MY WEDDING DAY:
The wedding ceremony and reception was AMAZING! Our wedding was during the day and we were having a TURN UP reception that night with our friends since everyone was in town. I texted and called my friends to see who would be able to attend and if they needed a ride etc. Only to realize that my sister of 10 years had blocked me. She would not answer my calls or texts. At this point, I was concerned! Did something happen to her? Is she ok? Then I noticed that she blocked me from social media as well as my family and my friends! Why? Girl IDK! She just straight ghosted on me. It all happened so fast and without warning. You would have thought that I robbed her, slept with her boyfriend, and had a baby by him.
Later I reached out to her via e-mail and said that if she ever really loved me and was my friend she would read the e-mail (that was the subject line). Still no response, but I KNOW she got the e-mail because I had a mutual friend reach out to her. This girl had the nerve to tell our mutual friend that I didn't sound happy when she told me about her engagement and that I reminded her too much of family than a friend. She said I reminded her too much of her past life and knew too much about her. WHO SAYS THAT?! And why couldn't this have been a conversation? She said because I would have talked her out of it.
This particular friend did have some issues with abandonment with her family never being there for her, reasons why my family became her family and we became close. She told our mutual friend that at this point in her life she needs a friend more than family and so she cut me off.
I'm not going to lie, both of these situations made me really sad, sick to my stomach, and think that I must be terrible at picking friends lol. I really felt close to both of these girls but that goes to show that you just never know what people REALLY thinking about you. Not everyone who says they are happy for you is happy for you. I still wonder about and think about Friend #2. Like did she really get married? Did she realize that shit was crazy to do? Knowing me, if she reached out today, I probably would still reconnect because I know she ain't all the way right in the head lol #shrugs. She definitely hit me with the "Bye Girl" and we haven't talked since the day I said "Yes"!
Those two situations were my first friendships lost due to getting married! There were also friends who started to distance themselves because they thought that I wanted to be under my husband 24/7, because "that's what married people do". It's like you go on trial with your friendships when you get married. You're being judged, being convicted, and having to defend yourself with your friends. It's like You vs. Your Married Self. You know that your innocent of being the same person, but everyone else sees you as being guilty of changing who you are. I mean are they the problem or you the problem? You have no control over how someone else sees you, especially if they don't even think enough of you to communicate. Of course it hurts losing a friend especially while transitioning into being someone's wife.
What can I say? It's hard out here for a wifey!